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Leanne Shirtliffe
Leanne Shirtliffe lives by the motto, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at your kids.” She’s the mother of seven-year-old twins who provide more entertainment than Cirque du Soleil on Speed; to escape, she teaches and finds that dealing with 97 teens is easier than being trapped in a house with her own spawn. Leanne’s blog, IronicMom.com, has been called the most laugh-out-loud blog in Canada. She also writes a humor column for The Calgary Herald, is the co-editor of StuffKidsWrite.com, and is working on her first humor book. Follow her hilarious musings on Twitter and on Facebook.
Top 9 Lists:
9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel
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9. From the moment you start, your body is basically no longer your own.
8. You learn how to do EVERYTHING one-handedly.
7. You have to get down on your hands and knees to play whether you like it or not.
6. You’re accustomed to things being hard.
5. At the end of the day, your primary responsibility is cleaning up random spills.
4. For the kind of work you do, you should be getting paid about a hundred times this much.
3. Your boss is demanding, wears mismatched clothing, and smells funny.
2. You dream of being rescued from your life by an early-‘90s Richard Gere.
1. You’re screwed.
Other Funny Stuff:
Pregnant Woman or Vegas Tourist?
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What? Hasn’t happened to you yet? Well, when the question comes up (and it WILL), you could be forgiven for not knowing, because both pregnant women and Vegas tourists:
- Sweat more than they should
- Have trouble shifting their bellies
- Overpay for bottles
- Wear decidedly unhip clothing
- Jockey for position at all-you-can-eat buffets
- Inevitably lose money on their gambles
- Have been known to vomit in public
- Have trouble fitting into their old bathing suits
- Have difficulty remembering what a normal sex life is
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9. My breasts need pumping.
8. How many times do I have to tell you: NO BITING.
7. You’ve got 10 seconds to get those clothes off and get in this tub, Mister.
6. I said come inside THIS INSTANT.
5. Yay! Playing dress-up is fun!
4. Put your toy in the box.
3. Yikes. That’s too big for your little mouth, I don’t want you to choke.
2. You’re lucky we don’t spank in this house.
1. You’re so cute I could just EAT YOU ALIVE.
Stockbyte/Thinkstock
& Seussville.com
• Hop on Pop
• Horton Hatches the Egg
• Mr. Brown Can Moo: Dr. Seuss’s Book of Wonderful Noises
• Oh, the Places You’ll Go
• Great Day for Up
• Hooper Humperdink…? Not Him.
iStockphoto/Thinkstock
Just in case the pile of stained toddler underwear wasn’t an indication.
9. Back-to-back dental appointments technically qualify as “a date” — particularly if there’s anesthesia involved.
8. The candles for your romantic, adults-only home-cooked dinner have Dora on them.
7. And the music is provided by a Big Time Rush CD.
6. Foreplay involves locking the bedroom door and muting ESPN.
5. In between dinner and the wine bar, you stop to pick up soccer shin guards and some lunch meat.
4. Your husband bought you a gift from the dollar store, and you know what, it’s kind of cute?
3. Drive-thru seems like a good idea, as it reduces your babysitter’s billable hours.
2. All you talk about is bodily fluids. But the wrong ones.
1. Your idea of role-play involves him mopping the kitchen and doesn’t end with sex.
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