Realistic Endings to Children’s Books

“Happily ever after” is a myth perpetuated by the Children’s Publishing Industry. But what if kids’ books ended truthfully, with the reality of Dr. Phil crashing into the pages of Eric Carle and Dr. Seuss?

* The Very Hungry Caterpillar realizes he’s been overeating due to self-esteem issues. After starting behavioral therapy and reading “A Purpose-Driven Life,” he emerges a svelte, spiritual butterfly.

* The Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed are released from the hospital with bills exceeding $100,000 due to multiple CAT scans and MRIs.

* After outwitting the dragon and escaping the prince, The Paper Bag Princess is pursued by the paparazzi. She goes into hiding after a tabloid runs the story, “Princess Trashes Environment By Sporting Paper Bag Fashion.”

* Sam-I-Am and his partner open a restaurant called Green Eggs and Ham. The Health Department shuts it down within an hour.

* The Runaway Bunny finally makes good on his threat and winds up at a hostel in New York City. Sadly, the little bunny contracts bed bugs and his mother forbids him from ever coming home.

* After sharing The Kissing Hand multiple times, Chester Raccoon and his mother are investigated by the CDC for the spread of communicable diseases due to excessive hand-to-mouth contact.