Drug dealing: Slipping Miralax into the apple juice of your constipated son.
Concealment: Hiding your caramels while simultaneously demanding that your son snack only on raisins.
Substance abuse: Downing four coffees in a row after an all-nighter with the baby.
Bribery: Slipping secret M&Ms to your 3-year-old for successfully whizzing in the potty.
Invasion of privacy: count 1 — Posting that pic of your son falling into the toilet.
Invasion of privacy: count 2 — Logging onto your daughter’s Facebook page.
Moving violation: Rolling through stop signs so as not to rouse your toddler from his nap in the car seat.
Robbery: Stealing (and hiding in the attic) some percentage of the 300 musical plastic toys from Christmas.
Disturbing the peace: Every time you leave the house with your family.