A Day in the Life of a Retainer
8:00 am Ready for an action-packed day in the mouth of my favorite 7th grader. Had a left bicuspid try to get shifty with me during homeroom but I shut that nonsense DOWN.
9:00am Math class. I never can understand pre-algebra.
11:30am Andy cut French class to make out with that redhead from science lab. I got caught on her headgear for a good five minutes. SO romantic.
12:30pm LUNCHTIME! Sloppy Joes today. Mmm my favorite. Really hoping Andy forgets to take me out.
12:35pm No dice. I'm on the side of the tray again. Beginning to worry that Andy's forgotten about me.
1:00pm Aaaaaand I'm in the tray repository.
2:15pm I can hear the distinctive rustle of the hero of retainers everywhere: the lunch lady. I'M OVER HERE! UNDER THE TATER TOTS!
3pm Reunited and it feels SO good. In Andy's backpack, heading home. I hope those molars dont get too frisky before Andy's mom disinfects me.
3:30pm After a trip through the dishwasher I'm good to go. Just hangin' by the kitchen sink, ready for a badass afternoon of tooth maintenance.
4:00pm Oh sh*t, the dog has spotted me.
4:01pm Yep, Sparky's got me. This is bad. This is really bad.
7pm I can hear them searching for me in the kitchen. I'M IN THE BACKYARD! BURIED IN THE CORNER UNDER SEVERAL INCHES OF DIRT!
2:30am Andy's last three retainers are here too. Hope has started to fade.
4:00am You may have won this round, incisors! But I swear in the names of myself and all my fallen comrades that I shall be revenged!
