Top 9 Holiday Traditions That Need to Die
Now, I love Christmas as much as the next person (perhaps more so), but there's a limit to how much jollity I can possibly squeeze into a single season.
#9
Family Christmas letters informing me that Little Billy, age 2, is learning complex algebra at Stanford. I already feel badly enough about myself, thank you.
#8
Posed pictures of your family sitting in front of a faux-fireplace. WE CAN ALL SEE THAT THOSE FLAMES ARE FAKE, LADY.
#7
Mistletoe. The only one who ever kisses me under that stuff is my creepy neighbor with the shifty eyes.
#6
Unless car companies are going to wrap a sedan in a fat, red bow and hand-deliver it to my house, they can stop pretending that if I loved someone, I'd buy them a car.
#5
Ditto diamond companies.
#4
Let's just get over the whole fruitcake thing and move on to actually delicious treats. Like DIAMOND-WRAPPED CARS!!!
#3
If Santa is really watching me while I'm sleeping and knows when I'm awake, I should probably take out a restraining order, right?
#2
The emergence of Christmas stuff in September makes me panicked that my mom-brain has (once again) forgotten what season it is.
#1
Reason I will be awake at 3 A.M.: a crying, sick child. Reason I will never, ever be awake at 3 A.M.: The possibility of getting 15% off a 50" flatscreen if I'm maybe willing to stand in line for like three hours and potentially get trampled to death.
