Clearly, because if they had children, they wouldn't have time for all this fancy inventin'.
Outdoor play areas: Can we all just agree they should be renamed Super Death Traps That Have No Business Being That Tall? Great, thanks.
Crystal figurines: Why yes, sweetie, that little doggie does look like the one in your room! And if you touch it, it will shatter, along with your dreams of going to an out-of-state college.
Chocolate-chip pancakes: My kids are just so calm when they wake up at 6 a.m. Isn't there some way I can give them more energy?
Fountain play areas: Cool! Now I'll just lug two sopping wet children to the mall.
CDs on which radio pop hits are performed by cartoon animals: Because if you're going to hear something 50,000 times, it might as well be sung by a fictional slapstick rodent with a seizure-inducing voice.
Indoor play areas, especially ball pits: So they're impossible to stand in, full of other children's pee and I'll almost certainly be recorded falling into one to fetch my sinking toddler? Sounds amazing.
Bottom shelves at stores: If you don't want it to end up on the floor or in a mouth, don't put it at the eye level of a 2-year-old.
"Call of Duty": Because no one wants their child hiding around shelving at stores so they can pop out, point their finger-gun at someone and scream, I pwned a nOOb!
Glitter: I'd tell you more about it, but I just realized I used the craft cleanup towel after getting out of the shower.