Top 9 Lines From My Eulogy For The Goldfish That Leapt Out Of The Tank To Its Death

VIA: Flickr: Benson Kua
You put a fish tank in your kid's room because you think it'll teach valuable lessons about nature and responsibility. Then the fish more or less try to kill themselves.
"He's gone on to a better place. Like possibly a Filet-o-Fish sandwich."
"To Booger, and to all those swimming to a new life throughout the county plumbing system. Godspeed."
"You were a part of our family, Booger, and you will never be forgotten. You will, however, be replaced the next time I have 39 cents and am nearish to Petco."
"On the plus side, the burial should take about three minutes."
"You think this is bad? When I was 8, I had a goldfish that got poured down the garbage disposal!"
"Now, obviously, when you invest in goldfish you're not looking at a terrifically optimistic survival rate. In my limited experience, goldfish last about as long as a stick of Juicy Fruit."
"I said, 'Maybe we SHOULDN'T put the moray eel in the aquarium,' but nooooooo no one EVER LISTENS TO ME."
"Ugh, you've got four left, stop crying."
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." (flush)
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