Top 9 Things I Tell My Kids Are Actually Against The Law
Removing the child locks from cars before they're 18.
Letting kids push grocery carts without assistance from a grownup.
Purchasing candy before 11 a.m. (Note: only applies to children.)
Using more than three squirts of flavored sweetener from the slushie machine. That's basically stealing and can get you 7 years in the slammer.
Browsing through Toys 'R' Us for more than 45 minutes.
Failing to apply sunblock at the pool.
Touching, smelling or manhandling Mommy Juice.
Complaining about my status updates on Facebook. First Amendment, freedom of speech, BOOM.
Peeing on a tree at the playground. Don't believe me? Try it. Watch what Park Security does.